


The Sun Is Going Down

by humanities_angstiest



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cancer, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hospitals, How Do I Tag, I’m so desperate for tags that I tagged ‘hospitals’
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 19:15:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6718081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanities_angstiest/pseuds/humanities_angstiest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Recently graduated from college, there were a million things Eren planned to do with the rest of his life. His plans are thrown aside when he is suddenly diagnosed with cancer. This is a story of anger, denial, self-exploration, and acceptance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sun Is Going Down

**Author's Note:**

> Because my major is awesome and my teacher is cool, I was able to write fanfiction as my final paper for my class on Approaching Death. This story is my exploration of death and my thoughts and feelings towards it.
> 
> To anyone who reads “I Have An Elastic Heart And A Terrible Story Title,” I’m sorry I haven’t had time to update in months. But lookie, I turned a college final paper into fanfiction!

Streaks of sunlight pierced through the closed window, settling on his bed like a warm blanket. He wished he could push them off, like the actual blankets tucked tightly around him, locking him into his coffin-bed.

Eren wanted to block out the shining sun and wallow in this dark, sterile room. The warm rays were only taunting him, reminding him of what he would soon never see and feel again. Might as well get used to the darkness now.

His friends wouldn’t let him wallow. They visited almost every day, carrying in the scent of fresh summer air, and they opened the curtains that Eren had the nurse close every morning.

His sister Mikasa brought a new bouquet of flowers every three days to set on his bedside table. Before the flowers had a chance to wither and die, she replaced them.

Like clockwork, his best friend Armin sneezed from the pollen. Armin had always been frail. When they were younger, Armin never participated in physical activities because of his asthma, and every spring when the flowers bloomed, he came down with flu-like symptoms from his allergies before they settled into occasional sneezing fits.

Eren had always been his counterpoint. He did sports all three seasons of the school year and loved being outdoors. He was the kid who climbed trees even after falling out of one and breaking his arm. The world was his to conquer and the risk of another broken limb wasn’t going to stop him.

Now look where he was. Eren knew it was a terrible thought, and he would never wish anything bad to befall Armin, but he couldn’t help but wonder: Why was frail Armin going about his daily life while he was dying in a hospital bed?

He was only twenty-two! He was supposed to have his whole life ahead of him. His entire life so far was spent toiling away in a classroom to prepare for the amazing future that awaited. There was no way cancer was stopping him. He had never encountered an obstacle he couldn’t overcome, and this was no different. It was his body, his cells, after all. He’d tell them to stop multiplying and they would have to listen to him. A measly cell-replication error would not be his downfall.

Eren couldn’t see himself dying until he was in his seventies at least. He would probably die from a heart attack while skydiving or fall from a cliffside while rock-climbing. But even then, his heart wouldn’t give out unless he gave the okay and the fall off a cliff wouldn’t kill him unless he allowed it.

If he was going to die, it would be on his own terms. He raised himself higher in the narrow hospital bed and squared his shoulders in preparation for the conversation, or screaming contest, that was about to take place.

“Mikasa, stop. The flowers are fine. My room is fine. I’m…Stop fussing.”

His sister stopped. When he was first admitted to the hospital he had been bitter. He understood that he had to be here for treatment and Mikasa and Armin couldn’t be with him in their apartment 24/7 in case something happened. Even so, he was now detained in a drab white room, unable to go where he pleased and instead forced to eat jello cups. The first few days of his imprisonment he barely said anything to Mikasa and Armin.

He fought them but in the end their desire to see him get better overruled their understanding that he hated hospitals ever since his mom died in one.

They were worried when he acquired a cough that never went away. They were concerned when his face grew thinner and his bones were visible beneath what was once muscle, though he hadn’t changed his diet or exercise regime. It was the combination of drenching night sweats, a fever, and especially his trouble breathing that terrified them. Armin was in med school and knew what those symptoms could mean, although he kept it to himself to avoid frightening his friends. Mikasa was scared simply because Eren had never been sick like that before. The worst sickness he ever had was strep throat.

After too many visiting hours spent in silence as retribution for admitting him to the hospital, his petty revenge caved under the hourglass that emptied every second.

Mikasa joined Armin by his bedside. “How are you, Eren?” she asked delicately.

God, how he hated this. Everything about the situation bothered him. The way his strong sister sounded fragile. How he felt decrepit, sitting all day in a hospital gown as his unused muscles became atrophied. The looks of concern and pity his friends gave him.

It was part of the reason why he met with his doctor this morning.

Eren ignored his sister’s question and jumped to the real conversation. “Guys, there is something I want to talk to you about.” He fidgeted in his bed, worried that he would be shot down before he could explain.

“So…I talked with my doctor about, um, euthanasia and he, uh, says the state would allow it because my cancer is terminal.” He had been speaking to his lap but glanced up to see their reactions.

Armin was staring at him in a contemplative manner. As the pragmatic one in their trio, he was no doubt considering the situation from Eren’s perspective. Mikasa’s face was blank, as if Eren had said nothing. In her typical overprotective way, she refused to consider something that, in her opinion, would harm him.

“Do you want to be euthanized?” Armin asked calmly. Mikasa swatted him on the back of the head.

“Of course he doesn’t. Why would he want to die sooner? Right, Eren?” It wasn’t really a question so he didn’t answer.

“Mikasa, could you get me a cannoli from that bakery on 42nd Street?”

She planted her feet and crossed her arms. She knew her brother was trying to get rid of her so he could convince Armin to allow him to kill himself. Not on her watch, no sirree.

“Please? Mom used to buy us those cannoli’s when we did really well on a test. Pretty soon I won’t be able to stomach food. I want to have one more before…you know.”

Mikasa glared at her brother and stomped her foot. She saw his ploy, but still couldn’t say no.

“I’ll be back in thirty minutes. Armin, don’t let him do anything stupid.”

Armin and Eren rolled their eyes. They both knew nothing could stop Eren from doing something stupid if his mind was set.

They waited a few minutes to be certain Mikasa was gone before Armin asked Eren to list his reasons for wanting euthanasia.

“I haven’t decided one way or another. It’s just another option. You’ve known me since we were five years old, Armin. I don’t like feeling helpless and right now I feel helpless. My body is killing me and I can’t do anything to fight it. At least with euthanasia, I can end my suffering whenever I choose. I’ll have control over my life and my death, not the cancer.”

“What about Mikasa?”

“What about her? It’s my death, not hers.”

“In one way, yes. It is your death. I’m just asking you to think of how it affects her. She lost her parents as a kid, and then her adoptive mother, your mom, died when you guys were fifteen. You are the only family member she has left.

I know it’s your death, but it affects all of us - Mikasa, Connie, Sasha, Jean, me. You get to die but we have to live the rest of our lives feeling your loss.”

After a pause, Armin excused himself saying he needed to use the restroom, but Eren knew it was to give him space to think over what was said.

Why couldn’t death be easy? When he was younger, he imagined being surrounded by people at his deathbed and telling them what he really thought about them, all the things he couldn’t under normal circumstances. Death was supposed to free him. Instead, he was told to not shorten his suffering because it would cause more suffering for his loved ones. He was the one dying!

The door burst open and a panting Mikasa entered, a white box held in her hands. The trip should have taken her a half hour at least yet here she stood sweating, a measly fourteen minutes having passed since she ran out to get his cannoli.

Armin entered soon after and they pulled chairs up beside Eren’s bed so they could eat together. Eren couldn’t help but smile fondly at his sister, so concerned about him that she ran to the bakery and back. Armin was right. He was going to die either way. If there was one last good thing he could do, it would be staying alive as long as possible to help his sister and friends accept the situation. Maybe with time he could accept it too.

 

***

 

It really could be worse. He could be losing his memories, forgetting everything important to him until he no longer knows himself and is a stranger to everyone else.

Mikasa was crying and that was scarier than what his doctor had just informed them. He had never seen her cry before, not even at their mother’s funeral.

His tests came back and there was less time than his doctor originally thought.

He had maybe a month or two left.

It was weird how he had been angry before and almost in denial about his prognosis. Now, he couldn’t muster any fighting spirit. Everything was a constant reminder that he would soon be dead. A commercial for the next season of Game of Thrones that would start up next fall, months after he was buried. A gift for Mikasa’s birthday that he no longer had to worry about shopping for, because he wouldn’t be around to give it to her.

There were a lot of things he no longer had to worry about, like getting into grad school and finding a well-paying job. There were so many things he would never do, like hike the Appalachian Trail or backpack across Europe or swim with dolphins or learn to ski or cheer Armin on as he graduated from med school or walk Mikasa down the aisle or start his own family.

These thoughts depressed him. He did his best to remain cheery for Armin and Mikasa’s sake but they could see through his plastic smile.

He held his composure during visiting hours but when his friends weren’t around to distract him, his mind went strange places. Yesterday, he daydreamed about taking a walk through the woods and encountering a teenage boy about to jump off a bridge above a fast-moving river. He would talk with the teen, convincing him of the importance of life. When the teen finally crossed over to the safe side of the bridge, Eren would jump to the other side and launch himself off the bridge into the tumbling water as the boy looked on in fear above him. His suicide would take the place of the teen’s and scare the boy into valuing his life more.

It was the absolute worst way to go about things and before Eren knew it he was laughing. He imagined the shock on the teen’s face as the person who just convinced him not to kill himself did the opposite. He was becoming morbid as his end approached. Being left alone with his thoughts was not good for his sanity.

As if a higher power had realized this as well, the next morning a nurse rolled a second bed into his room and began setting up the living space for another person.

His roommate arrived a little after 2 pm, shortly after his friends had departed. Eren wanted to talk to him, to anyone really, to fill the silence, but his roommate’s sharp, grey eyes and eternally scowling mouth halted his tongue, although it did nothing but exacerbate his curiosity about the other man.

Around 9 pm Eren started coughing and it didn’t stop for a good ten minutes. When it finally subsided, he hesitantly glanced at his roommate fearing that the man would kill him with his piercing glare alone, but instead the dark-haired man asked, “What’s killing you?”

It was said with a bored cadence. The man was confident that Eren was dying and unaware or uncaring that his question was insensitive.

Eren liked him immediately. “Non-Hodgkin lymphoma. You?”

“Surprisingly, it’s lung cancer.”

Levi, whose name he learned after they talked half the night, was thirty-two. He started smoking at fifteen and started using drugs not long after. Heroin became his lover at twenty-four and that was the last straw for his parents and any friends he had left. Eventually the life of an addict lost its charm and he went through rehab three times before finally quitting the hard stuff. He had been clean for the last four years but the damage was done. His body was weak and cancer attacked.

Eren fell asleep first around 3 am. He awoke when the nurse came in to take his and Levi’s vitals.

“Hey Levi, what do you think comes after?”

The room was silent but Eren knew Levi had heard him and was thinking over his answer carefully.

“I don’t think anything comes after. We’re just a bunch of matter that the universe threw together. And when we die, we break down and are gone for good. There isn’t an afterlife or reincarnation for our spirits. We just have one life and then we disappear from existence.”

“Shit, Levi. That’s depressing.”

“What do you imagine comes next, kid?”

“The same. Nothing.” Levi’s lips quirked up at the edges.

“I wish there was something, but I can’t picture it. Where do all the souls go? Are we floating around like ghosts? Is there another universe, a spirit world, overlapping this world?”

“Don’t ask me. I don’t fucking know.”

The door opened and a nurse with unbrushed hair and yesterday’s makeup entered. “Mr. Ackerman, it’s time for your tests. Do you need help getting into this wheelchair?”

Levi rolled his eyes and lifted himself from the bed before plopping himself down in the chair. He started rolling himself out the door before the nurse could grab the handles and push him, taking away what little control he had left.

Despite being alone for the past two weeks, after enjoying Levi’s company for less than twenty-four hours Eren had to adjust to being alone all over again while Levi had his tests taken. Thankfully, Armin and Mikasa visited him before the loneliness and depressing thoughts could return. Levi was still god knows where in the hospital being x-rayed and radiated so Eren couldn’t introduce his roommate to his best friends, but when Eren was done talking about the guy they felt like they knew him.

Armin and Mikasa were happy for Eren. They knew being alone for so many hours a day was hard for him, but they couldn’t quit their jobs and live at the hospital, although they considered it. Aside from logic, the only thing preventing them was how guilty it would make Eren feel.

Before they left, they each gave him a hug. Mikasa ensured her face didn’t betray the sadness she felt upon holding Eren’s fragile body, which once was strong enough to piggyback her.

He looked so small in the bed. It finally hit her that Eren wasn’t leaving. This wasn’t like the time he broke his arm and came to the hospital to get it reset. After his arm was placed in a cast, they went home together. This time, Eren wasn’t returning home at the end of his hospital visit. She would see him in this hospital room until she saw him no more. It took her remaining strength to leave that room without breaking down in front of her brother.

Armin, the perpetually observant one, noticed Mikasa was at her limit. It would do her, and him, good to take a few days off from coming to the hospital.

“Hey Eren, I don’t think Mikasa and I can visit this weekend. Want me to see if Connie or someone is free?”

Eren stared at the dark circles beneath Armin’s eyes and shook his head, forcing a small smile.

“Levi can keep me company. You guys deserve a break. If anyone is free, I won’t say no to visitors but I won’t die from loneliness if someone doesn’t visit me for a few days.”

Armin cracked a smile at Eren’s choice of words. He wanted to spend more time with his best friend, but it was exhausting to spend all day at work and then most of the evening in a hospital. If he didn’t take time to improve his health, he couldn’t be the upbeat presence that Eren needed.

“Alright. You know you can call us any time for any reason.”

“I know, I know. Now get out of here. Reruns of NCIS are about to start.”

Armin chuckled as he departed.

It was another half hour before Levi wheeled himself back into the room, the nurse following a few steps behind.

“What took so long?” Eren asked.

“He wanted to see how fast the wheelchair could go,” the nurse stated with irritation.

“And?”

“I wouldn’t recommend it, kid. The wheelchairs are older than I’ll live to be and the wheels twist weirdly. By the time I got to a respectable speed, the wheels gave out and sent me straight into the nurses’ station.”

Eren laughed. He was glad Levi was back. Despite the hard life he lived, Levi was still spirited. Even so, he didn’t act afraid of death and Eren took comfort in that.

After the nurses went on their final rounds and shut off the lights, Eren turned to face Levi.

“How did your tests go?”

“I’m not sure.”

Eren raised himself up slightly so his head rested on his hand. “What do you mean? Didn’t your doctor tell you anything?”

“I asked her not to.”

Eren squinted in the darkness to make out Levi’s features more clearly. The older male was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

“Don’t you want to know how long you have left?”

Levi turned, mimicking Eren’s position. “What for? To stress about how many days I have? I want to live like everyone else, not knowing how long I have left. It’s the ultimate surprise, not knowing when I’ll breathe my last breath.”

Eren saw Levi’s point. Sometimes he wished he didn’t know his prognosis. In some ways, he treasured each day more knowing it was one less day he had to live. Other times, he obsessed over every action he took. Every sip of water, every movement of his hand, every time he went to the bathroom was one of his last.

He woke up at 2 am gasping for air. In his dream, he was standing on a ship with his mother. She was trying to warn him of something, but her words were lost in the wind buffeting the ship. Suddenly, the ship tipped to the side and his mother fell over the railing, disappearing quickly beneath the churning waves. He reached out to her but she was already gone. The waves crashed over the side of the ship and wet the deck, causing him to slip and fall backwards. The sky slowly vanished from his sight the further he sank in the black water. He pumped his arms, trying to reach the surface, but his efforts were futile. No matter how hard he struggled, the waves gripped him tight and pulled him deeper in their darkness. It became harder to breathe.

Suddenly, a strong grip on his shoulders pulled him above the waves and he could breathe again. He opened his eyes and saw Levi leaning over him, hands on his shoulders.

When Levi saw that Eren’s eyes were open and he was breathing again, he leaned back on his heels and sighed.

“Fuck, Eren. You scared me.”

Eren’s eyes filled with water. “I don’t want to die, Levi,” he whispered. The older male softened his gaze. He had been glaring at Eren, angry that the young man almost stopped breathing, but Eren wasn’t dead yet.

“Move over,” the steel-eyed male commanded. Eren stared at him quizzically but followed his order.

Levi pulled the blanket back and slipped under to lie beside Eren. He wrapped his arms around Eren, protecting the young male in his embrace.

“Everyone dies, Eren. Don’t think about that. Think about how you’ve lived. You have friends and family who love you. You’ve lived a good life free from regrets. Not everyone is that fortunate.”

The tears dripped steadily from his eyes, falling onto Levi’s arm.

“I’m sorry for waking you.”

“Hush, Eren. I was already awake. I’ve had insomnia for as long as I can remember. You need to sleep, though. I’ll watch over you, so go back to sleep.”

In the morning, they didn’t pretend the night never happened, but neither of them felt the need to discuss it. Levi decided they would act like old people for the day. They gossiped about the nurses’ who attended them, creating backstories to their lives. In the afternoon they played bingo. Eren hadn’t laughed so much in weeks.

He received a surprise visit on Sunday from his school friends Connie, Sasha, and Jean. He was secretly relieved when they said they couldn’t stay long. It was painfully obvious how uncomfortable they were. He was the same guy, but his impending death made them wary about what they said. No one wanted to mention events in the future that Eren couldn’t attend and talking about the adventures of the past only highlighted how Eren was trapped in a hospital now, unable to go on another white-water rafting trip or even do something as simple as bowling.

As night fell, Levi crawled in bed beside Eren again. Since learning that Levi had insomnia, Eren did his best to stay awake as long as possible to keep his friend company. He knew too well the weird places his mind could stray in the silent dark.

He fought his eyes to stay open but as his cancer progressed he became fatigued earlier. He used to pull all-nighters during finals week in college. Now he could barely last until 9 pm.

“…and some day…the ocean…”

“Mmm,” Eren mumbled in reply to whatever Levi was saying.

Levi chuckled beside Eren’s ear. “It’s okay, Eren. Go to sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Eren’s conscious mind shut down as Levi spoke.

“…I’ll always…don’t worry…”

On Monday, he was woken by a gentle nudge to his shoulder. He opened his bleary eyes and saw the familiar cornflower blues of his best friend.

“Morning, Eren,” Armin began. “I have good news. Your doctor has okayed Mikasa and I taking you out for the day. We can go wherever you want.”

As the words sank into his awakening mind, his eyes grew bigger with glee.

“Yes! Give me a few minutes to get dressed and say goodbye to Levi.”

Armin looked over at Eren’s roommate who appeared to be sleeping.

“I’ll wait for you in the hall. Call if you need anything.” Eren nodded assent and began to disrobe and search for real clothes, which he hadn’t worn in so long. His shorts were big around his hips, necessitating new holes in his belt.

“Hey, Levi, you awake?” Levi opened his eyes and stared at Eren.

“My best friend and sister are taking me out for the day. I’ll be back sometime tonight. Anything you want me to bring you from civilization?”

“Maybe a pack of cigarettes.”

Eren swatted him on the arm. “You’re dying from lung cancer, idiot.”

“Exactly,” Levi reasoned. “If I’m already dying, what harm could another cigarette have?”

“We’ll see. Try to behave while I’m gone.”

“What you mean is don’t do anything exciting without you.”

Eren grinned but Levi didn’t smirk back as he normally would. The older male wrapped his blanket tighter around his shoulders and put his head back down on the flat pillow, closing his eyes again.

Eren felt bad that Levi couldn’t join them on their outing. Ever since his bed was wheeled into Eren’s room, Levi kept Eren company during the day and comforted him at night, never once leaving his side.

Armin and Mikasa waved excitedly at him through the window between his room and the hospital hallway.

 

  
***

 

Streaks of sunlight painted the hood of the car and settled on Eren’s shoulders like a warm blanket. He wished the warmth of the sun was a tangible object he could wrap around himself at night.

He tasted the salt on the air before he saw the ocean. It was bluer than he remembered. Everything was brighter than he remembered, a side effect of staring at white walls for the past month.

He didn’t trust his tired body to hold him afloat in the water so he sat at the borderline, letting the waves lap gently at his feet while his hands sank into the soft sand. The ocean stretched out eternally before him. Still, he knew one day it would be gone too. It would gradually shrink until it was nothing but a shallow stream, its glory hardly a memory in the people who lived long enough to witness its downfall.

“What are you thinking about, Eren?” Armin asked. He plopped down beside his friend and Mikasa sat on Eren’s other side.

“I’m luckier than the ocean.”

“That’s nice,” Mikasa replied, patting his hand as if he were a small child.

Armin chortled. “How so?”

“I don’t know if I can explain it well, so just, listen as I work it out. ‘Kay?” They nodded their heads and Eren breathed in, gathering his thoughts.

“Well, I was angry before because I kept thinking, ‘What was my life for?’ ‘Why was I born if I was going to die before I could do anything important?’ But my life was important. I made friends and went to school and learned stuff about things…”

“Clearly,” Armin giggle-whispered. Eren jabbed his elbow into Armin’s side but Armin could see the upwards turn of his friend’s mouth.

“No, but really. What if I lived long enough to see the ocean dry up or turn brown from pollution? If I had to live as long as the ocean, dealing with people dumping garbage in me and having to do the same thing every day with no change, my life would just get progressively worse. It would suck.”

“So you’re quitting while you’re ahead?”

“I’m not ‘quitting,’ Mikasa. It’s not like I have a choice. I’m just looking on the bright side. Hey, why are you crying?”

“Because it does suck! Nothing will be the same when you’re gone. Armin and I are going to miss you so much. We won’t be able to come to the beach anymore because we’ll remember this moment and we’ll feel your loss all over. Living without you is going to be awful and meaningless but we’ll be forced to keep living.”

Eren wrapped an arm around his sister and she tucked her head against his chest, allowing Eren’s hoodie to soak up her tears. Armin leaned his head against Eren’s shoulder, committing to memory Eren’s scent before it vanished from this world. They stayed like that, watching the sun fall from the sky and bury itself beneath the waves.

 

***

 

Eren fell asleep on the drive back to the hospital. The stupid cancer took the energy from his body but he wouldn’t let it touch his mind. Despite the sadness of his friends, and his own sadness knowing he couldn’t stay by their side, he felt light inside. He stopped counting the days but he didn’t need to keep track to know his body was shutting down. When his doctor gave him the new prognosis that he had a few months left to live, he chose to stop chemotherapy and immunotherapy and every other therapy suggested. In a strange way, he liked feeling his body deteriorate. He had never felt as connected to it as he did feeling it grow weaker.

He awoke when the wheelchair he was set in suddenly twisted to the side and veered into a bush by the hospital’s main entrance.

“I’m so sorry, Eren! The wheelchair just turned on its own. It’s possessed!” Eren only laughed in the face of Mikasa’s worry. He recalled the imagery of Levi’s wheelchair turning unexpectedly, sending him straight at the nurses. Thinking on it now, it was highly probable that Levi sent himself at the nurses as vengeance for poking his arm with needles every day.

Eren couldn’t wait to show Levi the pictures he took of the ocean. They didn’t compare to the real thing, but he wouldn’t tell Levi that. He also made Armin stop at a gas station and pick up candy cigarettes. He chuckled to himself, thinking of Levi’s excitement upon seeing the box of cigarettes before realizing what they were and tossing the box of candy at Eren’s head. Eren knew that Levi would eat them when he thought Eren was sleeping. Levi had a not-so-secret sweet tooth.

The glass doors automatically opened and Mikasa wheeled him to the check-in desk. After signing some brief papers, they went to the elevator and Armin pressed the button for the fourth floor.

Nurses stood whispering together outside of his and Levi’s room but departed as soon as they spotted him. Armin opened the door and Mikasa pushed him through the entryway.

The fluorescent lights of his room contrasted with the natural sunlight he had enjoyed all day. He had lived with fluorescent lights all his life - in his home and in his school classrooms. Suddenly, the light was too fake, too unnatural, and he hated it. He tried his hardest not to think of his final moments, but he knew with certainty he did not want the last thing he saw to be this white room with its crappy, fake lighting.

He tucked the thought away to share with Levi at night. Levi wasn’t in his bed, probably getting another test done even though it was evening.

He hugged his friends goodbye and waited patiently for Levi to return. A nurse came to take his vitals since he hadn’t had them checked that morning.

“Where’s Levi?” Eren’s eyes were closed against the shitty fake lighting but when the nurse didn’t answer his question, he peeked through an eyelid to see if she had heard him.

The nurse didn’t look at him, though her mouth was drawn in a grim line.

“Where’s Levi?” he repeated, more forcefully this time.

The nurse finally looked at him. She removed the needle from his arm where she had been taking blood and set it carefully aside.

“Mr. Ackerman is no longer in this hospital.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” He tried to keep his voice down since night was falling but confusion and fear overpowered him and he was practically yelling in the nurse’s face.

The nurse stared at him contemplatively. “What was your relation with Mr. Ackerman?”

Eren’s breath hitched as the dreaded words replayed in his mind. “What was your relation…”

In an embarrassingly small voice he replied, “Levi is my friend.”

With a sympathetic expression, the nurse informed him that Levi Ackerman passed away that afternoon. She refused at first, but at Eren’s insistence she disclosed all the details. No one was by his side when he died. The nurse started to give the medical details of his death but Eren stopped her. He didn’t care about any of that, he just wanted to know Levi didn’t feel alone when he died. He needed to know that, for his own sanity. The nurse couldn’t give him that answer. As she said, no one was with him when he died.

After the nurses came around to turn off the lights, Eren slipped out of his bed and pulled back the blankets on Levi’s. He lay there, staring at the ceiling that must have been Levi’s last sight. It was a dingy ceiling with water spots. One of the spots resembled a cat with its tail high in the air, a paw outstretched to swat whatever came too close.

“I know we both said we don’t believe in an afterlife with spirits or anything, but god, Levi, I really wish it was real right now. If there is an afterlife and you are here right now, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Levi. I wasn’t here with you. But I got your cigarettes.”

He imagined a translucent Levi floating in the air above him, scoffing at the fake cigarettes and flicking him on the forehead. Eren smiled slightly, but thinking of Levi made him cry. He fell asleep with wet tracks drying on his cheeks.

Mikasa and Armin visited him the next morning but didn’t question why he wasn’t sleeping in his own bed. Mikasa noticed the dead flowers on his nightstand. Since she and Armin hadn’t visited over the weekend, bringing fresh flowers with them, the flowers from last week finally had a chance to wither and die on their own. Mikasa moved to throw them out but Eren’s hand wrapped around her wrist and stopped her.

“It’s okay Mikasa. We’re all meant to die.”

**Author's Note:**

> I ended up making a youtube channel so I could share the playlists I make that inspire me as I write, in case anyone is interested. I listened to this playlist for a week straight and nothing else as I wrote this story, hope you like it (if that’s possible because I refer to this as the Death playlist).
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLGbBBlu_iMGgJHnOEmIdzbqK6wmf9RY-i


End file.
